The Colorado Calisthenic Chronicles (and other alliterative things)

September 2, 2013- In Black Lillies real time we are currently camped out in a Holiday Inn (Express) in the bustling ski town of Sandpoint, Idaho. In the off season, both visitors and residents alike trade their poles for beers and their skis for dancing shoes in a celebration of  three Lillie favorites; food, drink, and a good time. Blog time, however, finds our heroes significantly further south and, due to a certain author’s literary negligence, significantly further in the past. As they approached the Mile High City, a peculiar athletic fervor had overtaken our five musical comrades; and so unfolds “The Colorado Calisthenic Chronicles”.

Chapter One- The Dojo

August 19, 2013- We are very privileged in this band to have many friends and family across the country willing to put us up for the night in our musical travels. These accommodations range from one bedroom apartments to mansions, but the one constant is always a warm reception and the best hospitality a road weary musician could ever hope to receive. To anyone reading this who has or ever will house us for the night, our gratitude extends beyond what words can express.

As we rolled into Denver in the late evening, it was clear that this house would be one of the more lavish we have ever encountered. It had every amenity needed for a classicly “sweet” home….. jacuzzi, grill, volley ball court, UFC Dojo…….wait WHAT?! That’s right, those athletes that figured boxing was for softies honed their ability to wreck opponents’ faces in a shed directly adjacent to the house where we were staying. So we did what any road exhausted traveler would do and headed to the Ultimate Fighter training facility for a little “R n’ R”.

It is hard to accurately portray the supreme incongruity of five artistically inclined musicians living a overwhelmingly sedentary lifestyle hanging out and relaxing in a place where dudes and girls train to annihilate one another, but that is exactly what happened….. Tom, in his tie dye shirt and cowboy boots sipped an IPA between sets of leg presses. Bobby, in Chacos and home made cutoffs, tried to find his max bench press (surprisingly high). When I snapped a picture on my phone of Cruz proudly hoisting the unadorned bench press bar, he suggested that I could photoshop some additional weight on the bar later (I unfortunately can’t, sorry dude!). Other highlights included TGB sparring with Cruz’s brother in a full on “Joe Dirt”- style mullet wig (pictured above on Bobby Dix, looking disconcertingly natural) and getting to slide down a hidden fire station pole (by the way, the house also had a hidden fire station pole).

Chapter Two: The Five B’s

August 21, 2013- The only thing particularly noteworthy about this night was that it was probably the best night ever. Moe’s Original BBQ in Englewood, CO officially monopolized awesome when they decided to combine the four things that everyone in the world that believes in fun loves… BBQ, Music, Bowling, and Alcohol. That why I can pretty succinctly sum up the night with the five B’s; Bowling, Band, Beer, BBQ, Bowman.

For those not into the whole brevity thing (first and last “Big Lebowski” reference), here’s the longer version…. The brisket sandwich was one of the finest I have had outside the Lonestar State (a compliment I do NOT give lightly). The gig was a true delight and included fans who had seen us previously in DC and Thomas, WV (truly impossible to have a bad gig with WV fans in the audience). TGB and I bowled a game which started with her claiming ,”I have not played in 10 years, so take it easy on me” and ended with me (figuratively) weeping in defeat (she would later go on to beat every other member of the band at least once).

Chapter Three: Running is Easy (when large animals are chasing you)

August 22, 2013- Inspired by the recent trip to the Dojo, I decided to actually act on my weekly impulse to “start running again”. I have been an occasional runner for a little while now, but like most things simultaneously beneficial and painful I have often been able to prevent actual action by telling myself “well, it’s the thought that counts” (note: thoughts do not make you physically healthier). This time, however, I decided to actually run, and set off at a comfortable pace on the gravel road that snaked by the house. Within one hundred yards something I had forgotten about the city of Denver became painfully clear. Because of it’s incredibly high altitude, Denver is pretty much devoid of oxygen. This quickly turned my signature running move from “gasping for breath” to “slowly suffocating”. As I lumbered doggedly down the trail contemplating the irony of dying while exercising, I noticed a brown and black blur out of the corner of my vision. The blur, seemingly immune to trivial things like lack of breathable air, was headed rapidly towards me, and appeared to be in the shape of a large Rottweiler. Before my mind could fully comprehend what was happening, my once useless legs were amazingly racing me to the only available cover; a large, decorative outcropping of rocks. I scrambled up a boulder just in time, and the dog pulled up short. I have always loved dogs, and while I was not about to go down and try to befriend this particular dog, I figured if I just let it bark at me for a while it would eventually go away. In fact, as I stood on top of the rock trying to catch whatever breath was available to me a mile above sea level my only concern was that the dog’s owner might show up. Speaking from experience, there is nothing worse than a dog snapping at you or chasing you into a awkward situation, only to have its master come up and say something like, “O, I don’t know why you went up a tree. Fluffy wouldn’t hurt a fly!” or even worse, “Just relax…. he can smell fear.” Luckily, no one showed up, and the dog finally left me alone to contemplate the hidden dangers of getting in shape.

Thanks for reading! Come see us on the road!

Your friend,

Bowman

PS. This blog post is dedicated to Patrick Hall for stirring me from my writing lethargy and getting me a sweet West Virginia shirt for my birthday. It is also dedicated to my mom. Because I love my mom.